As simple as black and white
by pls-staph
Summary: Konan and Pein find two babies abandoned in the snow. They choose to bring them back to the base to be raised by them and the Akatsuki. Knowing the Akatsuki only crazy antics and humorous adventures can arise from a task such as this. But raising children is supposed to be simple, right?
1. Chapter 1

It is midwinter and the land of fire is covered in a thick sheet of heavy snow. The orange haired leader of the Akatsuki and his blue haired counterpart trudge on coming back from a mission in Amegakure. Ahead of them two green covered bundles lay in the snow. The woman, Konan stops to look as Pein moves on. "Pein," the kunoichi whispered, "There's a bit of chakra coming from these." Konan slips out a kunai hesitantly walking towards the bundles. Getting closer she hears small whimpers, like those of puppies. Konan bends down and removes the green blanket. She gasps as she is met with big dark purple eyes. "Pein, they're babies come quickly."

She said distressed. What kind of horrible person leaves out babies to die, especially in these harsh conditions? Pein joins her and picks up the other bundle and finding another baby as well as a note. It read; they are brothers and sister, 8 months old, D.O.B: April 28th, unwanted, feel free to take. Pein looks to Konan finding her pressing the baby to her chest tears fill her eyes as she hears him read. "They're all alone, like we were." She whispers more to herself than Pein. "We will take them back to the base." Pein said looking off into the distance. Konan simply nods in agreement and the two quickly head back to the base.

"I refuse to take care of any fucking babies!" Hidan yells. "Yeah, I'm already stuck with this one." Sasori sighs motioning to a 12 year old Deidara. "Hey, I don't even want to be here, un!" He argued back. "Tobi loves the babies." The masked nin yells. "**Can we eat them instead? **No we can't eat them they're babies. Zetsu argues with himself. "Well they are staying and that's final." Pein said his voice monotone. "We are a criminal organization for Jashin's sake why the fuck are we taking care of two brats you found in the snow." Before Hidan could rant any longer he was punched back into the wall. Konan lowered her fist and scanned the room.

"Anyone else want to argue?" The others quickly shook their heads. "Good, now Kakuzu go buy these." She demanded handing him a list. Knowing better than to argue the greedy man just nodded his head and turned to leave dragging an unconscious Hidan with him. "Itachi go run a bath, Kisame grab some towels, Sasori make a crib, Deidara warm some milk, Zetsu keep away from the babies and tidy this place up, and Tobi…be a good boy…um help Zetsu." The members nod and run off in slight fear of Konan to do their duties. Pein stares in awe; he usually had to yell in order to make the men do anything productive.

After returning from the store, which was a hassle with Hidan wanting to sacrifice every being in sight, the zombie duo finally made it back. They were surprised to see their leader holding the babies and everyone else having a quiet but heated argument. "What about Hidan and Kakuzu's room?" "Are you nuts?!" "Well they aren't staying in mine!" **"We'll take them."** "Anyone but you Zetsu." "Tobi wants to take the babies!" "NO!" All the members yell in unison. Suddenly a cry is heard and all the members turn to stare at a bundle in Pein's arm. Konan takes it from him and gently rocks the baby back and forth until its cries subside. "How about we rotate, the babies stay in someone else room each night." Itachi offers. "That sounds the most fair; they'll stay with me and Pein tonight." Konan said. She takes a bag from Kakuzu and fishes out two jumpers and diapers. She dresses the baby in her arms and then looks at Pein. He is staring at the baby and the clothes. The whole organization is silent waiting for their leader to dress the baby. "You can't do it can you Leader-sama?" Deidara said flatly sweat dropping. Pein looks up and nods handing the baby to the bomber. Deidara rolls his eyes and dresses the baby. Everyone raises an eyebrow but doesn't question his knowledge of babies.

"So Tobi wants to know what to name the babies?" Tobi said walking closer to Konan. Konan stands up and places the babies in their shared crib. One is awake while the other is sleeping. The one awake is a girl and has dark purple eyes and white hair with a black streak in it. She looks at each member before her eyes land on Kisame. She gurgles at him and smiles, droll running down the side of her mouth. "Looks like the damn thing likes Kisame." "She is not a thing and you will refrain from using profanity around them Hidan." Konan scolds with a glare. Hidan mutters to himself before turning his attention to the boy.

His hair is reverse that of his sisters, black with a white streak. His eyes haven't opened yet. "Tobi's right, what are we naming them, hmm?" Deidara adds. "Senpai thinks I'm right." Tobi said doing a ridiculous dance causing Deidara to regret what he had just said. The Akatsuki ponders for a while not thinking of any names. "How about- **Kuro and Shiro?"** "**You** stole my idea!" **"We share a mind idiot!"** Zetsu argued back and forth with himself. "Aren't those your names?" Kakuzu asked blandly. "Well did you think of something?" Kisame said defending Zetsu. Kakuzu shrugged and went back to calculating how many bounties he would need to make the money back.

"Then it's settled, their names are Kuro and Shiro." Pein said. The Akatsuki looked at their newest members and one stared back. Shiro yawned and curled up next to her brother falling asleep, dreaming of the weird blue man she had just saw. The members all smiled looking at the kids remembering a simpler time during their younger years. "Well goodnight." Sasori said picking up a dozing Deidara and heading to their room. The other member filed out orderly leaving Konan and Pein alone with the kids. Konan smiled wheeling the crib to their room; she had always wanted to be a mother. Pein sighed and followed, he was glad to see that Konan was happy.


	2. Chapter 2

"Someone please, shut them the fuck up!" Hidan yelled banging his head on the kitchen table. All the members looked to Konan who was struggling to prepare milk and cook at the same time. "Well it would be easier if I had some HELP!" She growled looking at two members particularly. Itachi and Deidara sighed and inwardly cursed themselves for their knowledge of child care. They each went and grabbed a bottle and a baby. Deidara held Kuro who they had all figured was much calmer than his sister. He accepted the bottle and started to eat greedily his purple eyes taking in the world around him. Sasori smirked at this causing the bomber to blush. Sasori patted his head, oblivious to the fact that Kuro didn't like sharing Deidara's attention. Shiro was being very feisty; she moved around and twisted her head away from the bottle. "Come on eat," Itachi said trying to feed her, "I thought you were hungry."

Shiro looked to Itachi's right and saw Kisame having a nice conversation with Tobi. Well Tobi was talking and he was putting up with his meaningless banter. Shiro gurgled and squealed trying to get the sharkman's attention. "Kisame-Senpai, Tobi thinks little Shiro-chan wants you." Kisame turned to see a smiling Shiro and an annoyed Itachi. He smiled his usual toothy grin and took the baby from his partner, who only hn'ed in response. "Hi there, you hungry?" Shiro calmed and opened her mouth accepting the bottle and eating silently. Konan then served bacon and eggs to each member. "Thank you Konan!" Most of them said or muttered.

"Sasori no Danna, can you burp Kuro so I can eat, considering you don't?" The puppet man begrudgingly took the baby and its cloth, putting them over his shoulder and rubbed smooth circles on his back. Deidara smiled and happily dug into his food. The base was silent except for the occasional sound of cutlery scraping plates. "Hey, quit it brat." "Danna, I'm not doing anything." "Not you!" Deidara looked up at his partner and giggled. Kuro stubby legs pounded with fury as he kicked the red head in his stomach area. His cheeks were red as grabbed handfuls of Sasori's hair and yanked. "Cut it out, I'll punish you, stop, please." Sasori begged. Yet Kuro was relentless and continued with his assault.

With a rough motion Sasori tore the infant away from him and abruptly dropped him on the table. "Sasori! Do not throw Kuro around like that! You could have hurt him." Konan scolded. Shiro started to laugh hysterically moving every which way in Kisame's lap. Sasori sent a harsh glare the laughing baby's way which shut her up immediately. The glare caused Shiro to look down and frown; sensing his sister's sadness Kuro grabbed the knife off Deidara's plate and threw it at the missing nin. Sasori moved just in time to avoid a knife in the eye and stared at the child in disbelief. It had just tried to kill him! Kuro glared at him, even though it came out as an angry pout, he got the message.

"Konan, you brang home a fucking demon!" Hidan yelled, pointing an accusing finger at Kuro. "The correct word is brought and you're not supposed to curse in front of the kids." Kakuzu said shaking his head in disappointment. "You know what, fuck you Kakuzu!" "Hidan watch your mouth!" "You watch you Jashin-damned mouth!" The Zombie Duo would have kept arguing if Pein had not sent a piercing glare their way. "Kuro-kun, Tobi doesn't think that was very nice. Can Kuro-kun apologize to Sasori-dono?" The lollipop faced man asked politely.

Kuro turned his head to Tobi but only looked at him, instead of giving an answer he pointed at the ground. Deidara hesitantly picked him up, in fear of the Sasori treatment, and placed him on the floor. Kuro crawled toward the knife on the ground and picked it up, making all the members tense up. The 8 month old then crawled to Kisame and pulled on his cloak. "What do you need, Kuro?" With a pudgy finger he pointed at his sister. Kisame placed Shiro on the ground gently next to her brother. Shiro gurgles and crawls toward Sasori. She pats his legs as if to tell him it's okay. Kuro narrowed his eyes clutching the knife. He stuck out is tongue and prepared to through the knife at Sasori again. This time it landed in his lap. Sasori used his leg and moved Shiro away from him. Deidara smoothed out his partner's hair which caused Kuro to scowl at him.

Konan got up and walked over to Kuro. "Kuro-chan was that very nice to do to Uncle Sasori?" she asked with a stern voice. Kuro looked away from her and at Shiro. Shiro giggled and crawled towards him. She wrapped her arms around her brother and looked up at Konan. The two of them looked as innocent as could be, hugging each other with teary eyes and woeful expressions. Konan felt her heart breaking, to think she was going to put Kuro in time out. "It's okay, just don't do it again." She said picking them up. Sasori and Hidan stared at Konan and the babies in disdain, they could see past the cute façade, yet none of the other members seemed to think that the babies were trying to fool anyone.

"They're so precious," Tobi squeaked clasping his hands together, "Don't you think Zetsu-senpai?" "**We still want to eat them.**" "No we don't they are so cute!" Zetsu said his white half smiling. "Bull fucking shit." Hidan said, rather loudly. "For once I agree with him." Sasori said looking spitefully at Kuro, who only rolled his eyes in return. "He was just playing Sasori, it's not like he actually tried to hurt you. He's playing ninja." Itachi said smiling at nostalgic memories. Sasori stared at the Uchiha in shock; he had to be kidding him. "Besides, it's a good thing, he knows his way around weapons, and it'll only make him a better fighter in the future." Kakuzu tried to reason.

Sasori decided he just about had enough of everyone else. "I'm leaving." He said grabbing Deidara by the collar and dragging him with him. The other members raised an eyebrow but thought nothing of the random act. "**Well there goes Deidara's innocence.**" "It was only a matter of time." Zetsu's sides said in agreement. The rest of the Akatsuki sat in silence until what Zetsu said clicked. "Sasori, bring him back now you freaking (Hidan: fucking) pedophile.


	3. Chapter 3

Everything was normal in the Akatsuki hideout or at least normal for them. Hidan and Kakuzu were arguing about blood on the carpets, Sasori and Deidara argued about art with Tobi occasionally getting blown up, Zetsu was…zetsuing in the corner, Kisame was watching the TV and Itachi was reading. As for the babies they were contently playing in their play pen. Well Shiro was playing and Kuro was looking for a way to escape. He hated being put in the stupid confined space because no one wanted to carry or keep track of him. He frowned when he saw his sister joyfully playing with a red and black ball. Deciding that if he was mad she couldn't be happy he crawled to her and hit the ball out of her hand. She looked up ready to cry but he put a small hand over her mouth and motioned to the gate of the pen. If they could push the latch up they would be free. They two of them sat together in deep thought, we as deep as babies think. With a failed attempt to snap his fingers Kuro pointed at the legs of Tobi who was running from Deidara and they knew what they had to do.

"We're back," Konan announced walking into the hideout. Pein and her both were relieved to see that the base was not a crumbling mess. She walked over to the play pen but didn't see the twins, checking the time they were probably being fed lunch. "Who's feeding the babies?" she asked looking around. Every member checked the time. "It's feeding time already? Well time to take them from the play pen," said Itachi. Konan's fiery eyes widened, "They aren't in the pen, and I thought someone was feeding them already." "Well that's fucking fantastic, it's only been a month and we managed to lose them," Hidan said sarcastically. "**If they are dead can we eat them?**" "Don't say that, they could be in the crib asleep and we forgot that we put them down, un," Deidara said calmly. "Or they managed to get into you and Sasori's room and poison themselves." Kakuzu said calculating the cost of a funeral. Deidara blanched and ran out of the living room. Sasori didn't follow remembering the beating from the last time he left with his blonde partner. "Thanks for being oh so very encouraging Kakuzu," Kisame muttered walking out of the room.

Soon the whole Akatsuki was searching everywhere for the bundles of joy…and murderous intent. "Here babies, here babies!" "Tobi, they aren't animals it doesn't work that way." Konan had a glare on her face that blew Itachi's out of the water. She was definitely not pleased with the fact that her babies that had disappeared and no one seemed to have any idea how. She heard a faint bubbly giggle and smirked. With Pein behind her the pair made their way to the end of the hall and jumped expecting to see their children. Instead they had a clear view of Sasori tickling Deidara, which caused the two to grimace. "Sasori stop. Please," Deidara said breathlessly. The giggling partners had not noticed their superiors watching and continued with this activity. "So, as I was explaining Jaws is obviously the best movie of all- Sasori get off him, now!" Kisame screamed inducing Itachi to cover his ears. Sasori looked up with wide eyes not only noticing the blue man and his partner but also his bosses. Deidara's face was flushed from a combination of constant laughing and embarrassment. "It's not what it looks like," Sasori told them jumping away from his partner.

"We are supposed to be looking for the babies but all you are looking for is some ass to tap tonight!" Kisame yelled exasperatedly. "And you," he pointed at Deidara, "You aren't even calling for help!" "I liked it, hmm." He spoke softly. "He's 28 years old, Dei-chan." Kisame said flatly waiting for the information to sink in. Deidara gasped looking at Sasori, "You said you were 15, un!" "Honest mistake?" Sasori offered but the bomber only turned his head away. A loud shriek interrupted them causing them all to run into Hidan and Kakuzu's room. Both of them were holding object in their hands, soggy money and a broken rosary respectively. "They- they teethed on my money." Kakuzu squeaked out, large tears rolling down his cheeks. Hidan made an attempt to grab his scythe but was thwarted by Pein. "They disrespected Jashin-sama! They deserve to die!" Hidan roared only to be slapped by and annoyed Konan. "Maybe if you were WATCHING them like you were SUPPOSED TO THIS WOULD NOT BE HAPPENING!" She snarled shaking Hidan by the neck. After carefully prying Konan off Hidan they all calmed down. "Hey, where's Tobi- **does it matter?**" Zetsu said. Everyone was there except for him. "Who's a good boy?" Pein called. "Tobi is!" They heard coming from the living room.

The members rushed in to find Tobi, with the babies, who were walking? "Tobi found them two hours ago walking in Tobi's room." Konan smiled really big and pulled out a camera. "Shiro-chan walk to Uncle Tobi please," She cooed. Hearing her name the aforementioned baby looked up and started walking to Kisame. Kisame got down on his knees and outstretched his arms awaiting Shiro's arrival. The Akatsuki relished the sweet moment and didn't notice a conniving Kuro holding a bottle of wood glue. He snuck behind Sasori and squirted some glue on to his hand. Falling right into the trap the puppet master clasped his hands together. Kuro then put the glue under the couch. He then patted Deidara causing the tween to pick him up. "You can walk to can't you Kuro-kun?" Konan asked they child taking him. She put him on the ground and he walked to Sasori holding his hands up. The red head went to pick him up but could not unclasp his hands. "Getting rusty?" Hidan snickers at his joke. "My hands are glued together!" Kuro and Shiro only giggled looking at each other.


	4. Chapter 4

The babies had been living with the Akatsuki for about 3 weeks, once they were settled Pein and Konan went back to Ame to keep things running leaving their bundles of joy in the ever so loving and gentle care of the men of their organization. In hindsight this was not the best decision they could have made. They didn't have time to run a village and watch the babies, they still had to do Amegakure paper work on top of Akatsuki paper work and children would just get in the way. But sadly their trust had been in vain.

"What the hell do you mean you lost the babies?!" "**Well if they are dead we can finally eat them**," said Zetsu, one half was obviously more optimistic about the situation. Sadly for a crying Tobi the rest of the Akatsuki was in hearing range to catch wind of his little mistake.

"Tobi only misplaced them."

"Tobi called you over here in the corner because Tobi didn't want everyone to know," the hyperactive ninja whispered for once. He knew he shouldn't have touched the babies as he had been banned from it after the great toilet incident of a week ago and he was grounded for setting fire to the carpet, again.

"Tobi, do you know how much money you're costing us with your constant fuck ups!" Kakuzu yelled, calculator in hand.

"Kakuzu, we are not supposed to say bad words," Tobi defended weakly trying to shift any attention away from himself.

"Well the babies aren't fucking here now are they, and I wonder who is to blame," Kakuzu yelled at Tobi, his green eyes seemed to be on fire, "do you know how much a baby coffin cost Tobi, huh? 1,859.50 Ryo Tobi! Do you have that much money, do you have any money?"

"Tobi has Zetsu dollars," the masked nin said handing him crudely drawn bills with poorly drawn Zetsus on them.

"What the hell are these?" Kakuzu asked Zetsu calmly, showing him the stack of paper.

"When Tobi gets 10 good boy points he can redeem them for a Zetsu dollar which he can spend at the Zetsu store." White Zetsu explained with looking proud of himself. His other half rolled his eye muttering about the system being completely idiotic.

"What do you even sell at the Zetsu store," Deidara laughed, "fertilizer?"

"**Yes.**"

Kakuzu had decided he had had enough of this nonsense and threw the bills to the ground stomping on them with vigor.

"Tobi for a history of dumb actions this has to be your dumbest one yet," Hidan cackled, promptly falling out of the chair he was sitting on. For once he wasn't the center of Kakuzu's negative attention and it felt good to finally see Tobi get what was coming to him. But the zealot wasn't as happy as the blond tween to his right.

"Oh my God, it's finally happening, Tobi's annoying ass is getting what he deserves, un," Deidara whispered his lip quivering and tears of pure joy leaving his eyes. He had been suffering for so long, and now he had seen the Promised Land, and it was beautiful. Tobi was crying, Kakuzu was yelling, Hidan was laughing, Zetsu was looking disappointed, Sasori and Itachi didn't really care and Kisame, oh glorious Kisame, called Tobi a bad boy. It was everything he could have dreamed for and more.

"Oi, brat we're searching for the babies now," Sasori said snapping Deidara back to reality. The bomber nodded and went over to Sasori only to be grabbed by Kisame. "Yeah, after the last time we split up you and Sasori can't be partners outside of missions anymore," the shark man said grinning, "so you get to hang out with me."

To Sasori's chagrin his younger counter part didn't protest. And as much as he hated to admit it he'd rather have the misguided blond then world's greatest brother at his side for anything.

"Okay Tobi, so where'd you leave them last in the hideout?" Itachi asked in his usual monotone. He didn't want any more yelling and was starting to worry as it would be dark soon. Every terrible scenario already played out in his head, from them finding the babies half eaten to Konan ripping Tobi's dick off, both he could live without witnessing.

"Well, um Tobi was playing outside with the babies and then Tobi needed to pee and then Tobi came back and the babies were gone," before Tobi could say any more Hidan had him pinned to the floor, his magenta eyes wide, mouth twitching, a noticeable vein on his forehead. "You took them OUTSIDE!"

"Tobi that's the last straw, all your good boy points are void, now turn in all your Zetsu dollars," Zetsu said holding his white hand out. Tobi begrudgingly reached into his pockets and handed more ugly bills to the spy. Kakuzu's mouth hung wide open, even though no one could see it, but it was happening. They had even more of the damned fake money.

"Tobi was saving up for the lollipop," Tobi sniffled. All those minutes of not bothering senpai were in vain.

"Yeah, yeah, mourn on your own time, we have kids to find," Itachi sighed waling out of the base with Sasori behind him. He knew that putting the cribs in the bedrooms instead of the living room was going to give him stress.

The men, and boy, started searching high and low for the kids. The looked in trees, behind rocks, across puddles, but the little tykes could not be found anywhere.

"Kisame, it'll be dark in a few minutes, hmm," Deidara said looking to the orange sky. The air turned colder and he pulled his cloak around him tighter.

"We'll find them soon and everything will be okay," Kisame offered, patting the kid on the back, "We'll find them soon enough."

Before Deidara could respond a scream was heard throughout the forest. All the members of the Akatsuki ran towards the sound and were both shocked and relived. Hidan was standing in front of the babies with his leg in a bear trap.

"Fuck, shit this hurts. These fucking brats are out to get me!" he yelled more curses leaving his mouth.

"Hidan you stepped into the trap they didn't force you into it or set it up themselves," Kakuzu said rolling his eyes.

"Yeah well, they obviously saw it and sat next to it so I would fucking step into it." To confirm his suspicions the Shiro giggled looking at him.

"I'm gonna fucking kill you," Hidan whispered menacingly giving his best glare to the baby. That however caused her to burst into tears and her brother to throw a rock at Hidan's face.

Konan entered the hideout finally happy to be able to see her babies again. Hopefully they would be in one piece. She saw the men sitting around in the living room watching the television, the babies happily playing on the floor.

"Hello everyone, I hope that babysitting went well." She was met with murmurs and grumbles and one over excited, "yup", from Tobi. She then turned her attention to the babies who were staring up at her with big eyes.

"And what did you to do when I was gone?" Konan asked jokingly, the babies couldn't talk yet other than a few gurgles and imitations of words. But the babies apparently had something in store for her as they looked at each other with devious smiles.

"Fuck! Shit!" they yelled. And with those words Hidan's faith was sealed as Konan brought out a kunai to cut off the one thing Kakuzu would not sow back.


End file.
